However this February for me is one I am unlikely to forget. The details may get hazy over time, however I pray the lessons learned will stay with me forever.
Life in Second Grade seemed to explode in February. Situations with several students came to a crisis-breaking point. Those situations are still being worked out, even now, at this precise moment. God has humbled me, and brought me to a place of submitting to Him. He has gently guided me to my knees (repeatedly because I'm stupid enough to keep thinking I can get up and handle it all on my own.) But yet again He brings me back down, to a much better place, where I don't have to have it all together.
I am inadequate. I am unexperienced. I do fail. I do need Him. I am not in control. BUT He is.
My last post was about the 100th day of school. Since then, I have been overwhelmed with life as a teacher. I have 4 students with special needs who are in need of constant, individual attention (We have now diagnosed one of those students with a Learning Disability, and the other 3 are in process of testing and diagnosis.) On top of that, I have several students who are bullying other students. Bullying is a strong word that I don't use lightly, and yet that is precisely what is happening. I have been dealing with some parents who make me feel disrespected and untrusted. On top of that, I have cycled around and am once again feeling homesick (it seems to come at the most inopportune times) and became physically sick (the flu) for the first time since living here.
There have been moments that I just want to scream, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANY MORE! I'M DONE!" or "Feel free to take your child out of my class if you really don't like my teaching style. Go ahead. I don't mind. NO REALLY! TAKE THEM!" There are also days where, I just want to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head, and give up.
Those days, are the days I see God working in my life, and in the hearts of my students. Those days, are the days I am not operating in my own strength, but in my weakness and its those days that God shows me His strength. Its those days that I will always remember because He is more than enough to cover my inadequacies. He knows what He's doing. He is in control. He is my source of stability amongst crazy emotions. He is my source of wisdom. He is my source of life abundant. And that my friends, is the beauty from the ashes.
Here I sit, processing through the day. Sitting in my inadequacy and feelings of injustice and hurt. Reveling in the fact that, God is God, and God is God. He made us, we didn't make Him. We're His people, His well-tended sheep. God is sheer beauty, all-generous in love, loyal always and forever. (Psalm 100 - we memorized this verse in February… so fitting that it should pop into my head right now.) This is the gospel. Jesus died for my sin, my imperfection, my inadequacy. It is Him who makes me whole, Him who fills and equips me. I need Him, more than I need air.
I'm sure that I will struggle with all these things for the rest of my life. I may be humbled and submitting to Him in this moment. But what about tomorrow morning? What about three years, or thirty years from now? It will be a choice, moment by moment, I will have to make. I pray that I will never forget this time, this last month. The situations are not resolved, and may never be while I work with this group of students. However, I am not the one in control. He is. So I choose not to be anxious. I choose not to worry. I will, however, get on my knees and beg for wisdom, believing and knowing He will answer my pleading. Trusting that since He has me here, He choose me as the one to deal with these situations in the precious hearts of His little people, that He will guide me and never, not even for a second, leave me on my own.
To sum up, I am thankful for February.
On a completely different note, many exciting things happened in Second Grade in February! We took the IOWA tests (our version of standardized testing), celebrated Valentine's Day with a Valentine's themed Minute-to-Win-it Party, and learned about China alongside our 6th grade study buddies. The Elementary staff also worked as a committee to decide on a new math curriculum for Kindergarten-Fifth grade. On a personal front, some friends and I have begun the process of looking for a house to rent for next year! Its the paradox of life; excitement alongside the struggle.
Valentine's Day Party February 14, 2013
